Self-development

Bismillah,

 

The girls have been going to swimming for the past two weeks. Alhamdulillah, Big S is swimming so well without armbands. I actually doubted her swimming skills since we have not been at all for the past 6 months (since the birth of baby S, that is nearly half a year subhanAllah). And even before that we were not going regularly due to pregnancy and other issue. Hence I was actually very surprised when I saw her swimming. Especially the second week, she was swimming on her back, on her front, with her head under the water and she tried sideways. So, she was basically confident enough to try out different styles of swimming.

Now middle S is a complete different story. First week we didn’t take armbands so she was constantly either clinging to me or to metal bar on the side of the pool. Second week, with armbands on, she did let the metal bar go a little and she was praising herself so much for that. This girl of mine does not like to challenge herself. SubhanAllah.

Anyway, this post is supposed to be about myself and how I am connecting to the children. Since I have come back from Saudi, I keep thinking and rethinking about our set ways of doing things and my teaching and I feel there is something missing. I am often disappointed with myself. Generally speaking, I think one feels quite disappointed to return to this “dunya” where everything revolves around worldly things and you have just been to a holy a place at a time everything revolves around Godly things. Very strange feeling.

So, I keep evaluating things at home and keep asking “What do I want to achieve out of this homeschool thing? What is it really I am striving for?” Yes I want them to be able to read and understand Qur’an. Yes I want them to learn the Arabic language proficiently. Yes I want them to excel in Math, English, Science and in all their academic subjects. Yes I want them to go to top universities and become a dentist, a doctor, an archaeologist and ocean explorer, a story writer and an illustrator. However, the bottom line is, I want them to be good MUSLIMS.  So, before anything else, I want them to have good spiritual connection with Allah the Almighty and submit completely to the will of God. I want them to have that complete tavakkul (faith) and certainty with Allah swt and live their lives according to Islam.

I think we all agree that there is really only one effective way of moulding their character in this way from young age. There is only one thing we can do and that is SELF-DEVELOPMENT. If I really want to instil Islamic values in my children so they build up an Islamic character, the way forward is to start focusing more on myself. Because children will naturally observe, imitate, copy the adults of the household. And I strongly feel that my children are educating me in so many ways. They make me so conscious of what I say, how I speak, what’s my attitude and how I react. I know they are banking all these somewhere in their brain and will have exact same attitude to most things in life later on. That is so scary for me because I know I have a lot of character traits to improve. I am constantly praying that my children will turn up as someone much better than myself. Inshalla they won’t pick up those bad characteristics. Then at night time I lay in bed thinking “You are kidding yourself. The only way forward is to change those bad bits into good bits”. That is such a struggle, to constantly battle with your own self. May Allah guide and help us all.

So I am disappointed every time I shout to discipline them. I want them to have the love of Allah, the love of the prophet saw and the love of deen. But, I am so quick to point out their mistakes and shortcomings. I am so quick to judge and preach them. I lecture them daily about how Muslims should do things in Islam. And I fear that I am doing “more correcting and less connecting”. I am not really connecting to them in a manner that brings the love of learning Islam, the love of seeking knowledge into their lives. Sometimes I hear a friend or a colleague saying “Oh I hated Maths at school” or “I remember hating this or that subject so much” and the worst thing to happen would be one of our children saying “Oh I hated doing Arabic” or “I hated reading Qur’an” or have very negative attitude towards seeking Shari’ah knowledge.

So, I have decided to focus on 3 things for myself and for my family: Love everyone for the sake of Allah (because this stops that judgemental attitude you have towards others, including one’s children), Live in the moment (focus at present, plan as if you have forever but live as if you only have today) and Share the khayr.  When it comes to children, here is my target to do lise

  • Shout less
  • Discipline less- what it really means is criticise less. praise vs criticism ratio should be 5:1
  • Fill them up with love and make them feel loved unconditionally, regardless of what they do, what they say
  • Create such an atmosphere at home where everyone feels appreciated, wanted, valued
  • Listen to them when they speak, get to their level, make eye-contact
  • Say “yes” more often then “no”
  • More connecting through fun family activities

 

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5 thoughts on “Self-development

  1. umm sarah says:

    Umm Sumayya, menam doim shu Arab tili (quron tili sifatida), Quron yoki Islamic studies session’larni, namozlarni bollarim yoqtirib, hursand bolib qilsa har doim deb oylardim. Lekin halaqa’larni birida sister remind qildida, hatto biz kattalar ham bazan dangasalik qilamiz, kop hatolar qilamiz, Allohni qanchalik, tubdan yahshi kormaylik, Rasululloh s.a.w qanchalik yahshi koraman demaylik har doim ham ideal musulmon bolishga qiynalamiz. Shuni bilib turib ham bolalardan bazan kop narsa talab qilaman, qattiq turish orniga, ularni har hil yol bilan motivate qilish kerak, ular biz tushungan Allohga bolgan sevgini kutmaslik kerak, mukofatlash kerak va ota onalar ozlari yahshi namuna bolish kerak degandi. Ozimiz ham Allohni mukofatini olish uchun, azobidan qutulish uchun harakat qilamiz asosan, har doim ham mazza qilib, hursand bolib qilmaymiz amallarimizni. Faqat Allohni rizoligi uchun qiladigan mo’minlar bor albatta, lekim kamchilik. Shu narsa biroz tasir qildi menga, bollarga bolgan munosabatimga.

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  2. Assalamu alaykum,

    Sis, you are definitely not alone feeling frustrated in this area. Raising children n giving them a good tarbiyah is not easy, may Allah swt help you and us all. Umm Sarahni gaplariga qushilaman. Quygan reminder uchun rahmat, Alloh rozi bulsin. I’m gonna print it n pop it on the wall, inshaAllah.

    P.S Hajj mabroor, dear sis. May Allah swt accept it from you and your family..

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    • waleykumussalam,
      ummYusuf, amin to your lovely duas. Hope you and kids are well. Yaxshimisiz? Yusufbekni ozlashtirishi qalay? togri aytasiz, bola tarbiyasi juda murakkab masala ekan. kechalari shuni oylab uyqularim qochib ketadi. Alloh hammamizni ohiratimizni obod qilsin, farzandlarimiz va oilalarimiz bn Ozini hidoyatidan adashtirmasin ishqilib.

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  3. umm sarah says:

    Assalamu alaikum,
    Menimcha hamma onalardayam shu muammo, faqatgina ijobiy taasurot qoldirishni hohlaymiz bolalarimizga. Buning uchun doim harakat qilishimiz kerak ekan SubhanAllah. Siz yozib “target”larizga qo’shilaman, iloji boricha harakat qilaman menam. Lekin ko’p hato qilaman, bazan kop narsa talab qilaman bollardan, bazan tez jahlim chiqadi. Hozirda odamdagi turli gormonlar haqida organib chiqyapman (qaysi gormonlar odamni tez jahl chiqarishga olib kelishi vahakozolar, biz bilmagan holda turli narsalar tasir qilarkanda odamni kayfiyati, o’zini tutishiga). Bollarimni Quron, Arab tili, islomiy fanlarni yahshi korib, hohlab qilishlari hohlayman debsiz. Hamma bolalar ham biroz qiynaladi menimcha, ayniqsa zamonaviy fanlar bilan qilishganda. Ibrohim Quronni yahshi yodlaydi, lekin har kuni praktika qilishga zerikadi. Arab tili ham shu. Unga boshqacha usullar qollayman, Sarah busa uni teskarisi. Ikkovigayam mukofatlar beramiz, lekin bazan qattiq gapirib turaman.
    Farzandlar tarbiyasi haqida topgan resurslarni oqib, eshitib yuraman, bir maruzada (Yasir Qadhi) aytdiki yoshligimda otam strict edi Quron yodlashimga, haftalik oila hadis darslarini qilishga. Usha paytda menga yoqmagan, boshqalarga ohshab oynab yurgim kelardi, lekin katta bolganda buni qanchalik menga qimmatligini tushunib yetganman degandi. Teenage’lik, early adulthood paytlarida ota onalarini bosimi yoqtirmasligi tabiiy, lekin inshaAlloh katta bolgan sari foydasini ko’rishadi. Shunga umid qilib, harakat qilib, duo qilib harakat qilamiz qolimizda kelgancha.

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    • Bizda ham shu qur’on hifzga har hil suralarni kunda takrorlashni uncha yoqtirmaydi. qur’onni o’qish bo’lsa ko’proq yoqadi yodlashdan. arab tili ham uncha emas. so’zlar yodlaydi unda ham. conversationga oid gap-frazalar yodlaydi. keyin savol-javob qilsam yoqmaydi uncha. arabic handwritingku umuman yoqmaydi shunga leave out qildim. ko’p copywork qilishar edi avvallari. shu juda og’ir kelar edi sumayyaga. islamic studies jonu dili. islomiy bolsa har qanday kitobni, sal kattaroqlarni kitoblarini ham oqib tashlaydi keyin savol ketidan savol muhokama munozara boshlanadi. islamic quiz qilishni yoqtiradi. paygambarlar hikoyalarini yozadi yoki ozi boshqa bir islomiy hikoyalar yozib rasmlarini chizishni yoqtiradi etc. shu bn islamic studies va english qoshilib ketadi. mathsni sumayya uncha yoqtirmaydi, safiyyaga rosa yoqadi. umuman olganda shu arab tili va quron darslariga kuproq motivaciya qilish kk. shu biram charchab ketaman tushuntirguncha. yasir qazini usha otam juda strict edi degan talkini menam eshitganman. dadamiz ham shunaqa katta bolgan hujrada. hozir yaxshiyam ushatta yashab oqib olgan ekanman deydi. shunga ozgina strict bolsa hech zarari yoq deb keyin yana bolalarni butunlay konglini sovutib qoymay deb oylanamanda.

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